If you want to make your kids laugh or giggle then today’s post is for you.

In it I want to share 101 of the most witty, positive and funny quotes for kids (and parents too).

Share a few of the ones you think will turn a sour or angry mood around.

Or maybe they want to read the whole post with the sayings to make both themselves and you laugh at home, in school or while traveling somewhere.

No matter how you use them, I hope they will make you and your kids laugh and help create a positive and fun mood all around.

Funny Quotes for Kids That Will Make Them Laugh

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
– Groucho Marx

“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”
– Tommy Cooper

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington

“Birthdays are nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.”
– Jo Brand

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
– Alan Dundes

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
– Zach Galifianakis

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope

“My kids think ‘maybe’ means ‘yes’ and ‘we’ll see’ means ‘definitely.’ They’re more optimistic than me, obviously.”
– Unknown

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
– Bryan White

“My son asked me what it was like to be an adult. I handed him the bills and told him there’s a washing machine that soon needs emptying.”
– Unknown

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
– George Carlin

Short and Funny Quotes for Kids

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright

“Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.”
– Chili Davis

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
– Jim Carrey

“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re normal.”
– Kid President

“I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.”
– Steven Wright

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
– Charlie Chaplin

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
– George Carlin

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
– George Carlin

“No one is perfect – that’s why pencils have erasers.”
– Wolfgang Riebe

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”
– Tina Fey

“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”
– Spanish Proverb

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright

Funny Quotes for Kids About Adults and School

“When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.”
– Mark Twain

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.”
– E.C. McKenzie

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein

“In school they told me practice makes perfect. And then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.”
– Steven Wright

“Adults are just outdated children.”
– Dr. Seuss

“Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.”
– Paula Poundstone

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
– Bill Watterson

“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.”
– Lily Tomlin

“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ’til you get a boss.”
– Bill Gates

“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.”
– Mark Twain

“We all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school.”
– Peter De Vries

“The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.”
– Dave Barry

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
– Tom Bodett

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”
– Hector Berlioz

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
– Gracie Allen

Funny Quotes for Parents and Children About Parenting and Home Life

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
– Ann Landers

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
– Franklin P. Jones

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
– Ralph Bus

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart

“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
– David Frost

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller

“The quickest way to find something you’ve lost is to ask your kid where they didn’t put it.”
– Steve Robbins

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
– Bill Murray

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
– Milton Berle

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
– Sam Levenson

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
– Dorothy Parker

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
– Carrie Underwood

“Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them, it’s for us?”
– Alyson Hannigan

“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
– Leo Burke

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
– Nora Ephron

Hilarious and Relatable Quotes About Kids That Will Make You Laugh

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, ‘What light?’ and two more to say, ‘I didn’t turn it on.’”
– Erma Bombeck

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner

“Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.”
– P.J. O’Rourke

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
– Reese Witherspoon

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
– Damien Fahey

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
– P.J. O’Rourke

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
– Charles Wadsworth

“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”
– Dick Cavett

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
– Stephen Colbert

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
– Lane Olinghouse

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”
– Erma Bombeck

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.”
– Malcolm Kushner

“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
– Jack Whitehall

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
– James Baldwin

“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”
– Will Rogers

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Having kids reminds me of when I used to live in a frat house: everything is broken, nobody sleeps and there’s a lot of unexplained crying going on.”
– Bob Simmons

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.”
– Conan O’Brien

Want more inspiration and laughs? Then check out these funny and motivational first day of school quotes, the uplifting and positive back to school quotes here and also this one with lots of funny graduation quotes.

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Dating can be a confusing experience but also a wonderful thing when you find someone you truly connect with.

And in today’s post I want to share lots of hilarious truths about romantic meetings, love and relationships.

This is 83 of the most relatable, witty and funny quotes about dating.

I hope you’ll find something here to make you laugh about the sometimes odd and absurd dating experience and make you feel less stressed and overwhelmed about it.

But also something you can use in a card, in group chats or on Instagram to spread the laughs to friends and family too.

Funny Quotes About Dating That Will Make You Laugh

“Dating is where you pretend you’re someone you’re not to impress someone you don’t know.”
– Melanie White

“Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 429; a cute, single, smart man: 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best: 1 in a billion.”
– Lorna Adler

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
– Jim Bishop

“I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realize it was stupidity.”
– Gracie Hart

“A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.”
– Monica Piper

“What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
– Wendy Liebman

“I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.”
– Garry Shandling

“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.”
– Jenny McCarthy

“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”
– Dave Attell

“My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date, I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.”
– Kris McGaha

“I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me – I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.”
– Alex Reed

“I was out on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun until we ran out of quarters.”
– Susie Loucks

“Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.”
– Susan Healy

“I asked this one girl out, and she said, ‘You got a friend?’ I said yes; she said, ‘Then go out with him.’”
– Dom Irrera

“I’d just like to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
– Steve Martin

“I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Online dating is like online shopping except you’re looking for people no one wants, and it’s $50 a month.”
– Phil Pivnick

“They say you should date your best friend. My best friend said: no, we’re not doing that.”
– Unknown

“Dating is a lot like sports. You have to practice; you work out; you study the greats. You hope to make the team, and it hurts to be cut.”
– Sinbad

Short and Hilarious Quotes About Dating

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”
– Mae West

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Love is being stupid together.”
– Paul Valéry

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
– Lucille Ball

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
– Joan Rivers

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
– Richard Jeni

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”
– Steven Wright

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”
– Rita Rudner

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx

“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”
– Dolly Parton

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles Schulz

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
– Tim Allen

“Love is a grave mental illness.”
– Plato

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
– Dorothy Parker

“Love; a temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
– Ambrose Bierce

“Never sign a Valentine with your own name.”
– Charles Dickens

“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
– Joseph E. Morris

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman

Funny Quotes on Dating and Relationships

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler

“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”
– Mindy Kaling

“Going out with a jerky guy is kind of like having a piece of food caught in your teeth. All your friends notice it before you do.”
– Livia Squires

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to get bangs every other month.”
– Dax Shepard

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
– Chris Rock

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
– Bob Ettinger

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”
– Helen Rowland

“The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons, they let you play softball on the weekends.”
– Agatha Christie

“My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.”
– Emo Philips

“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.”
– Cindy Gardner

“The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.”
– Linda Festa

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
– Rita Rudner

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
– Michelle Obama

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly

“Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up, and they’re always tax-deductible.”
– Andy Warhol

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”
– Ray Romano

“Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.”
– James Garner

Funny Quotes on True Love and Dating to Make You Smile

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns

“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.”
– Bree Luckey

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
– Les Dawson

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
– Joan Crawford

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
– Hussein Nishah

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
– Carroll Bryant

“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.”
– Cathy Carlyle

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.”
– David Bissonette

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.”
– Jean Kerr

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
– Oscar Wilde

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
– Chelsea Peretti

“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he’s finished.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West

Want more laughs and insights about love and relationships? Then check out this post with funny love quotes, this one with short quotes about love and also this one with lots of funny friendship quotes.

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If you’re looking for a funny and lighthearted anniversary quote for a card, toast, text or your Instagram then you’re in the right place.

Because in today’s post I’d like to share 110 of the funniest anniversary quotes and messages on relationships and marriage.

Take inspiration from a few of your favorites here to create your own special message.

Or simply use the one that makes you laugh the most and you know will make your partner, friends or parents laugh out loud too.

Funny Anniversary Quotes and Sayings for Couples 

“A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.”
– Paul Sweeney

“Love is being stupid together.”
– Paul Valery

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

“In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.”
– Robert Fulghum

“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
– Groucho Marx

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
– Michel de Montaigne

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”
– Doug Larson

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin

“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
– Terry Pratchett

“Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.”
– Helen Rowland

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
– Joan Crawford

“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.”
– Leonardo da Vinci

“They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”
– Clint Eastwood

“Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Marriage is about both people being equally miserable.”
– Forget Paris

“True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.”
– Francois de la Rochefoucauld

“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.”
– Raymond Hull

“Marriage is like a graph: it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!”
– Julie Andrews

“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Short and Hilarious Anniversary Quotes

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”
– Rory Elder

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
– Henny Youngman

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
– Henny Youngman

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles Schultz

“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.”
– H. L. Mencken

“The bravest thing that men do is love women.”
– Mort Sahl

“You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”
– Jay Leno

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein

“Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
– Carroll Bryant

“Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.”
– Billy Sunday

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
– Red Skelton

“Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.”
– Julieanne O’Connor

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin

“Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.”
– Joe Murray

“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner

“Love; a temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
– Ambrose Bierce

Funny Anniversary Quotes and Messages for Friends

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
– Mae West

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
– Henny Youngman

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.”
– Alan King

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
– Agatha Christie

“Our wedding was many years ago. The celebration continues to this day.”
– Gene Perret

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”
– Robert Frost

“We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust, and laundry.”
– Luke Rhinehart

“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”
– Eddie Cantor

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”
– Cher

“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
– Neil Simon

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
– Chris Rock

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”
– Brendan Behan

“People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.”
– Tom Hanks

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.”
– Richard Pryor

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”
– Frank Sinatra

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”
– Wendy Liebman

Funny Anniversary Quotes for Parents

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
– Winston Churchill

“I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’”
– Gwyneth Paltrow

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
– Lyndon B. Johnson

“The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.”
– Honore de Balzac

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.”
– Jean Kerr

“After 45 years of marriage, when I have an argument with my wife, if we don’t agree, we do what she wants. But when we agree, we do what I want!”
– Jacques Pepin

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.”
– Albert Einstein

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash

“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
– Jack Benny

“Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.”
– Joanne Woodward

“The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.”
– Peter De Vries

“There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”
– Clint Eastwood

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
– Milton Berle

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
– Oprah Winfrey

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
– Joyce Brothers

“A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.”
– André Maurois

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
– Ogden Nash

“After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
– Barack Obama

“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
– Robert Anderson

“Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.”
– Charles Caleb Colton

“Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.”
– Abraham Lincoln

Funny Anniversary Quotes for Your Husband or Wife

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”
– Sigmund Freud

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
– Henny Youngman

“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid their problems sound to you.”
– Megan Mullally

“I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
– Cameron Esposito

“Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Anne Bancroft

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”
– Catherine Zeta-Jones

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”
– Stephanie Ortiz

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”
– Mindy Kaling

“I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.”
– Molly McNearney

“‘I am’ is supposedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
– George Carlin

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
– Helen Rowland

“My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.”
– Rick Reilly

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
– Michelle Obama

“Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.”
– Burt Reynolds

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
– Cindy Garner

Want more funny quotes on relationships? Then have a look at these funny love quotes, the hilarious wedding quotes here and also this one with lots of funny quotes on aging and getting older.

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Sometimes what is needed to find new motivation or energy is not deep wisdom or a pep talk.

Instead, what works best on some days is simply to take a laugh break and focus on having fun for a few minutes to release stress,  lighten up and not take things too seriously.

And in today’s post I want to help you with that by sharing 160 of the most positive, stress reducing and funny inspirational quotes.

I hope you’ll find a bunch of laughs, a more relaxed perspective and a jolt of positivity here.

Funny Inspirational Quotes on Life That’ll Make You Laugh

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
– Will Rogers

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
– Chris Rock

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
– Helen Rowland

“I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.”
– Roy Orbison

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
– Bill Watterson

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
– Denis Waitley

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
– Ron White

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
– Mark Twain

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
– Ethel Barrymore

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
– Sydney J. Harris

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
– Cullen Hightower

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
– George Carlin

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
– Jack Handey

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring? I said: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
– Steven Wright

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
– Tom Clancy

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
– Winston Churchill

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
– Mark Twain

“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”
– Tom Lehrer

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube.”
– Joan Rivers

Funny Motivational Quotes for Work and Success

“When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.”
– Drew Carey

“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
– George Carlin

“Whatever you do, always give 100% – unless you’re donating blood.”
– Bill Murray

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W. C. Fields

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
– Scott Adams

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life… because that field probably isn’t hiring.”
– Dorothy Parker

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
– Robert Frost

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
– Sam Levenson

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin

“The reward for work well done is more work.”
– Jim Butcher

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
– Douglas Adams

“I cannot afford to waste my time making money.”
– Louis Agassiz

“It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.”
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”
– Sarah Brown

“I like to work in the morning. I just don’t like to be awake while I’m doing it.”
– Nora Ephron

“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.”
– Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
– Edgar Bergen

“The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.”
– Vidal Sassoon

“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”
– George Burns

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.”
– Paula Poundstone

“Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.”
– Tina Fey

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”
– Robert Orben

“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx

Short and Funny Inspirational Quotes

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
– George Burns

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
– Mark Twain

“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”
– Katharine Hepburn

“Be happy, it drives people crazy.”
– Paulo Coelho

“I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.”
– Pablo Picasso

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
– Josh Billings

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles M. Schulz

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
– Erma Bombeck

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
– Groucho Marx

“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
– James A. Garfield

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“If any of you cry at my funeral, I’ll never speak to you again.”
– Stan Laurel

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
– George Burns

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
– Anthony Burgess

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
– Billy Wilder

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
– Oscar Wilde

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
– Harry S. Truman

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
– Truman Capote

“The most effective way to do it is to do it.”
– Amelia Earhart

“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
– Steven Wright

Funny Inspirational Quotes for Your Morning

“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler

“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
– James Lileks

“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“Mornings are almost clean slates. I say almost because the residue of yesterday’s is sometimes stuck on them.”
– Medeia Sharif

“Be the person your coffee thinks you are.”
– Liz Vassey

“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
– Tony Smite

“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
– Marty Rubin

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
– Robert Frost

“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
– Glen Cook

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
– Dorothy Parker

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.”
– E. B. White

“The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.”
– Jean Kerr

“Lose an hour in the morning, and you will spend all day looking for it.”
– Richard Whately

“Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.”
– Punit Ghadge

“No alarm clock needed, surely my passion will wake me up.”
– Sandra Shea

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
– Dale Carnegie

“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
– Jim Davis

Funny and Inspirational Sayings on Love and Friendship

“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
– Sylvia Plath

“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
– Arnold H. Glasgow

“A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
– Greg Tamblyn

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
– Linda Grayson

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner

“There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.”
– Barack Obama

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
– Richard Jeni

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henry Youngman

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby – awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
– Lemony Snicket

“Marriage: a friendship recognized by the police.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
– Carroll Bryant

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz

“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
– Oprah Winfrey

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!’”
– C. S. Lewis

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’”
– Groucho Marx

Inspirational and Hilarious Quotes from Movies and TV

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
– Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.”
– Stanley Hudson (from the TV-show The Office)

“What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything.”
– George Costanza (from the TV-show Seinfeld)

“We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.”
– Leslie Knope (from the TV-show Parks and Recreation)

“I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
– National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

“The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.”
– Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”
– Dodgeball

“A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have.”
– Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”
– Sex and the City

“My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
– Forrest Gump

“Just keep swimming.”
– Finding Nemo

“Well, nobody’s perfect.”
– Some Like It Hot

“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”
– Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

“You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel.”
– Incredibles 2

“Your soul is like your appendix — I don’t even use it!”
– Michael Kelso (from the TV-show That ’70s Show)

“I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance.”
– Jessica Day (from the TV-show New Girl)

“Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV.”
– Morty (from the TV-show Rick and Morty)

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way.”
– Michael Scott (from the TV-show The Office)

“I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
– Chandler Bing (from the TV-show Friends)

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
– Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast.”
– Alice in Wonderland

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
– Homer Simpson (from the TV-show The Simpsons)

“I don’t make the rules, ma’am. I just think them up and write them down.”
– Eric Cartman (from the TV-show South Park)

“Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over.”
– Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.”
– Andy Dwyer (from the TV-show Parks and Recreation)

“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
– George Costanza (from the TV-show Seinfeld)

“Today is a good day to try.”
– The Hunchback of Notre Dame

“Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: live every week like it’s Shark Week.”
– Tracy Jordan (from the TV-show 30 Rock)

“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”
– Jerry Seinfeld (from the TV-show Seinfeld)

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
– Homer Simpson (from the TV-show The Simpsons)

Want more laughs and positive energy? Then have a look at these sarcastic quotes about life, the hilarious quotes about work here and also this one with funny quotes about getting old.

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