If you want to make your kids laugh or giggle then today’s post is for you.

In it I want to share 101 of the most witty, positive and funny quotes for kids (and parents too).

Share a few of the ones you think will turn a sour or angry mood around.

Or maybe they want to read the whole post with the sayings to make both themselves and you laugh at home, in school or while traveling somewhere.

No matter how you use them, I hope they will make you and your kids laugh and help create a positive and fun mood all around.

Funny Quotes for Kids That Will Make Them Laugh

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
– Groucho Marx

“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”
– Tommy Cooper

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington

“Birthdays are nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.”
– Jo Brand

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
– Alan Dundes

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
– Zach Galifianakis

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope

“My kids think ‘maybe’ means ‘yes’ and ‘we’ll see’ means ‘definitely.’ They’re more optimistic than me, obviously.”
– Unknown

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
– Bryan White

“My son asked me what it was like to be an adult. I handed him the bills and told him there’s a washing machine that soon needs emptying.”
– Unknown

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
– George Carlin

Short and Funny Quotes for Kids

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright

“Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.”
– Chili Davis

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
– Jim Carrey

“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re normal.”
– Kid President

“I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.”
– Steven Wright

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
– Charlie Chaplin

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
– George Carlin

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
– George Carlin

“No one is perfect – that’s why pencils have erasers.”
– Wolfgang Riebe

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”
– Tina Fey

“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”
– Spanish Proverb

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright

Funny Quotes for Kids About Adults and School

“When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.”
– Mark Twain

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.”
– E.C. McKenzie

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein

“In school they told me practice makes perfect. And then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.”
– Steven Wright

“Adults are just outdated children.”
– Dr. Seuss

“Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.”
– Paula Poundstone

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
– Bill Watterson

“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.”
– Lily Tomlin

“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ’til you get a boss.”
– Bill Gates

“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.”
– Mark Twain

“We all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school.”
– Peter De Vries

“The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.”
– Dave Barry

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
– Tom Bodett

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”
– Hector Berlioz

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
– Gracie Allen

Funny Quotes for Parents and Children About Parenting and Home Life

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
– Ann Landers

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
– Franklin P. Jones

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
– Ralph Bus

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart

“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
– David Frost

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller

“The quickest way to find something you’ve lost is to ask your kid where they didn’t put it.”
– Steve Robbins

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
– Bill Murray

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
– Milton Berle

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
– Sam Levenson

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
– Dorothy Parker

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
– Carrie Underwood

“Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them, it’s for us?”
– Alyson Hannigan

“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
– Leo Burke

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
– Nora Ephron

Hilarious and Relatable Quotes About Kids That Will Make You Laugh

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, ‘What light?’ and two more to say, ‘I didn’t turn it on.’”
– Erma Bombeck

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner

“Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.”
– P.J. O’Rourke

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
– Reese Witherspoon

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
– Damien Fahey

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
– P.J. O’Rourke

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
– Charles Wadsworth

“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”
– Dick Cavett

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
– Stephen Colbert

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
– Lane Olinghouse

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”
– Erma Bombeck

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.”
– Malcolm Kushner

“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
– Jack Whitehall

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
– James Baldwin

“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”
– Will Rogers

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Having kids reminds me of when I used to live in a frat house: everything is broken, nobody sleeps and there’s a lot of unexplained crying going on.”
– Bob Simmons

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.”
– Conan O’Brien

Want more inspiration and laughs? Then check out these funny and motivational first day of school quotes, the uplifting and positive back to school quotes here and also this one with lots of funny graduation quotes.

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It’s a too early morning and you drag yourself up for another day in school.

Maybe you feel a bit unmotivated or just plain tired or stressed out about an upcoming exam.

Either way, I hope today’s post can help you out. In it I want to share 101 of the most relatable and funny school quotes.

Sayings that’ll make you laugh and help you release a bit of stress. Ones you can use for your yearbook page or Instagram posts.

And fun ones you can send to friends to spread the positive vibes.

Funny School Quotes on Education

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
– Andy McIntyre

“Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.”
– E.C. McKenzie

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.”
– Oscar Wilde

“The trouble with school is they give you the answer, then they give you the exam. That’s not life.”
– Ziad K. Abdelnour

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.”
– Will Durant

“We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.”
– Peter De Vries

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
– Mark Twain

“Education costs money, but then so does ignorance.”
– Claus Moser

“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world—an assigned parking space.”
– Gene Perret

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
– Tom Bodett

“To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.”
– A.A. Milne

“I teach high school math. I sell a product to a market that doesn’t want it, but is forced by law to buy it.”
– Dan Meyer

“You can’t learn in school what the world is going to do next year.”
– Henry Ford

“School is the advertising agency which makes you believe that you need the society as it is.”
– Ivan Illich

“People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.”
– Bill Vaughan

“A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.”
– George Santayana

“The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.”
– Aristotle

Short and Hilarious School Quotes for Students

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
– Gracie Allen

“School means work and work means death. Let’s all go take a nap.”
– Emma Shannon

“In school one learns to ask stupid questions of life.”
– Marty Rubin

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
– Bill Watterson

“My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary column.”
– Norm Crosby

“School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence.”
– H.L. Mencken

“In school they told me practice makes perfect. And then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.”
– Steven Wright

“Show me the man who enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.”
– Robert Morley

“It’s easier to floss with barbed wire than admit you like someone in middle school.”
– Laurie Halse Anderson

“Graduation is just a fancy ceremony where adults clap because you’re finally leaving.”
– Unknown

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”
– Hector Berlioz

“There is nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come.”
– Dave Kellett

“There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: school and prison.”
– William Glasser

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“School is practice for future life, practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect, so why practice?”
– Billie Joe Armstrong

“School is one long illness with symptoms that switch every five minutes so you think it’s getting better or worse. But really it’s the same thing for years and years.”
– Helen Oyeyemi

“I never did very well in math – I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally.”
– Calvin Trillin

“If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.”
– Daniel Jones

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

Funny and Inspirational First Day of School and Back to School Sayings

“Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken.”
– Bill Dodds

“The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.”
– Milton Berle

“Work hard, nap hard.”
– Demi Lovato

“I said school starts tomorrow. I didn’t say I was going to be there.”
– Kim Harrison

“If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.”
– Edgar W. Howe

“You’d think parents are just dying to get rid of their children. I mean, we are, we most definitely are.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“It’s been two weeks. That’s like a decade in high school years.”
– Rob Thomas

“When I was in high school, I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.”
– Zach Galifianakis

“It’s one of my favorite seasons of the year: Back to School. As a kid, I loved fresh school supplies, new outfits, the change of seasons, and the chance to crack open a new textbook.”
– Dana Perino

“It’s my first day of high school. I have seven new notebooks, a skirt I hate and a stomach ache.”
– Laurie Halse Anderson

“I’ve always loved the first day of school better than the last day of school. Firsts are best because they are beginnings.”
– Jenny Han

“The first day of school is our second New Year’s. It is our day to make resolutions, to look backward to former lapses and triumphs and to look ahead, usually with a mix of anxiety and hope, to the year to come.”
– Mark Edmundon

“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ’til you get a boss.”
– Bill Gates

“On the first day of school, you got to be real careful where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just plunk your stuff down on any old desk, and the next thing you know the teacher is saying, ‘I hope you all like where you’re sitting, because these are your permanent seats.’”
– Jeff Kinney

“You’re off to great places. Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!”
– Dr. Seuss

“The most important day of a person’s education is the first day of school, not Graduation Day.”
– Harry Wong

“Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight.”
– Tim Herlihy

“You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“The first day of school is always a fashion show. The rest of the school year? A pajama party.”
– Unknown

“School bells are ringing loud and clear; vacation’s over, school is here.”
– Winifred C. Marshal

Funny Quotes for Senior Year and the Yearbook

“Remember, the more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”
– Iyanna Morgan

“I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever invented copy and paste. Thank you.”
– Stephanie Flores

“Of course I dress well. I didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.”
– Ian Longley

“If somebody ever asks you to do something, do it really bad, so you never have to do it again.”
– Joanna Clark

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
– W.C. Fields

“I want to thank me for believing in me.”
– Snoop Dogg

“High school was easy. It was like riding a bike. Except the bike was on fire and the ground was on fire and everything was on fire because it was hell.”
– Randey Chung

“If you like water, you already like 72% of me.”
– Alexandra Vu

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”
– Coco Chanel

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I am rather appalled at the limit of characters for this. I am certain that I cannot fit all my thoughts of these last four years into such few cha.”
– Karl Mangune

“My computer screen is brighter than my future.”
– Katia Perez

“Education is important, but big biceps are importanter.”
– Hugh Vo

“I’ve learned to say here when the teacher hesitates while taking attendance.”
– Omotola Omotinugbon

“I don’t always graduate, but when I do, it’s barely.”
– Hannah Goldsborough

“When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one last time.”
– Jenna Allen

“I’m sorry, did my shoulders distract you from reading this quote?”
– Victoria DiPaolo

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know if you’re gonna graduate.”
– Franco Citlalli

“Cheaters never win, but I just graduated.”
– Richard Gilot

“I’m not great at senior quotes. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
– Alexis

“Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?”
– Jessica Enciso

Funny Graduation Quotes

“My dear terrified graduates, you are about to enter the most uncertain and thrilling period of your lives.”
– Lin-Manuel Miranda

“I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes – which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.”
– Art Buchwald

“Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.”
– John Green

“At graduation you get to wear a cap and gown, but it’s a good idea to also wear something underneath it.”
– Greg Tamblyn

“You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that’s wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that’s worse. This is a day.”
– Andy Samberg

“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
– Fred Allen

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.”
– Robert Orben

“Now that you’ve graduated, just remember: Bosses don’t usually accept notes from your mother.”
– Melanie White

“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
– Henny Youngman

“Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.”
– Erma Bombeck

“As you set off into the world, don’t be afraid to question your leaders. But don’t ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your leaders get tired and/or cranky.”
– Will Ferrell

“Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.”
– Gary Trudeau

“The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don’t do it. I have been out there. It is a mess.”
– Russell Baker

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”
– Will Rogers

“Your families are extremely proud of you. You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.”
– Gary Bolding

“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.”
– George W. Bush

“I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I’d be a college graduate today.”
– George Foreman

“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Parents, write this down: Many of you haven’t seen your children in four years. Now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the WiFi isn’t working.”
– Conan O’Brien

“So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.”
– Bill Watterson

Want more funny and inspirational sayings about school? Then have a look at these funny graduation quotes, the short senior quotes here and also this one filled with funny senior quotes for the yearbook.

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Dating can be a confusing experience but also a wonderful thing when you find someone you truly connect with.

And in today’s post I want to share lots of hilarious truths about romantic meetings, love and relationships.

This is 83 of the most relatable, witty and funny quotes about dating.

I hope you’ll find something here to make you laugh about the sometimes odd and absurd dating experience and make you feel less stressed and overwhelmed about it.

But also something you can use in a card, in group chats or on Instagram to spread the laughs to friends and family too.

Funny Quotes About Dating That Will Make You Laugh

“Dating is where you pretend you’re someone you’re not to impress someone you don’t know.”
– Melanie White

“Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 429; a cute, single, smart man: 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best: 1 in a billion.”
– Lorna Adler

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
– Jim Bishop

“I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realize it was stupidity.”
– Gracie Hart

“A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.”
– Monica Piper

“What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
– Wendy Liebman

“I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.”
– Garry Shandling

“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.”
– Jenny McCarthy

“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”
– Dave Attell

“My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date, I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.”
– Kris McGaha

“I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me – I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.”
– Alex Reed

“I was out on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun until we ran out of quarters.”
– Susie Loucks

“Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.”
– Susan Healy

“I asked this one girl out, and she said, ‘You got a friend?’ I said yes; she said, ‘Then go out with him.’”
– Dom Irrera

“I’d just like to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
– Steve Martin

“I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Online dating is like online shopping except you’re looking for people no one wants, and it’s $50 a month.”
– Phil Pivnick

“They say you should date your best friend. My best friend said: no, we’re not doing that.”
– Unknown

“Dating is a lot like sports. You have to practice; you work out; you study the greats. You hope to make the team, and it hurts to be cut.”
– Sinbad

Short and Hilarious Quotes About Dating

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”
– Mae West

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“Love is being stupid together.”
– Paul Valéry

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
– Lucille Ball

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
– Joan Rivers

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
– Richard Jeni

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”
– Steven Wright

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”
– Rita Rudner

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx

“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”
– Dolly Parton

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles Schulz

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
– Tim Allen

“Love is a grave mental illness.”
– Plato

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
– Dorothy Parker

“Love; a temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
– Ambrose Bierce

“Never sign a Valentine with your own name.”
– Charles Dickens

“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
– Joseph E. Morris

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman

Funny Quotes on Dating and Relationships

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler

“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”
– Mindy Kaling

“Going out with a jerky guy is kind of like having a piece of food caught in your teeth. All your friends notice it before you do.”
– Livia Squires

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to get bangs every other month.”
– Dax Shepard

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
– Chris Rock

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
– Bob Ettinger

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”
– Helen Rowland

“The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons, they let you play softball on the weekends.”
– Agatha Christie

“My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.”
– Emo Philips

“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.”
– Cindy Gardner

“The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.”
– Linda Festa

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
– Rita Rudner

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
– Michelle Obama

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly

“Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up, and they’re always tax-deductible.”
– Andy Warhol

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”
– Ray Romano

“Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.”
– James Garner

Funny Quotes on True Love and Dating to Make You Smile

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns

“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.”
– Bree Luckey

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
– Les Dawson

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
– Joan Crawford

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
– Hussein Nishah

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
– Carroll Bryant

“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.”
– Cathy Carlyle

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.”
– David Bissonette

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.”
– Jean Kerr

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
– Oscar Wilde

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
– Chelsea Peretti

“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he’s finished.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West

Want more laughs and insights about love and relationships? Then check out this post with funny love quotes, this one with short quotes about love and also this one with lots of funny friendship quotes.

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Easter.

A time of spring warmth, sunshine and quality time with the people we love.

But also a time of eating way too much chocolate and egg hunts that become more and more elaborate and competitive each year.

And in today’s post I want to help you to make this holiday even better by sharing 60 of the wittiest and most funny Easter quotes.

I hope you’ll find something here that will make you and the people closest to you laugh and make this Easter into a happy and fun one.

Funny Easter Quotes for a Happy Holiday

“I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and true love. Don’t even try to tell me different.”
– Dolly Parton

“Two thousand years ago, Jesus is crucified. Three days later, he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps, and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”
– Billy Crystal

“I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had three eggs… but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.”
– Caroline Rhea

“Here’s for me the one big question: How do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? How do you do that one? Even kids are going, ‘Rabbits don’t lay eggs. What is this?’”
– Robin Williams

“Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through Lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.”
– Garrison Keillor

“A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, ‘When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off?’”
– Jon Stewart

“I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit… left chocolate eggs in the night.”
– Bill Hicks

“My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.”
– Adam Ferrara

“Happy Easter everyone! Jesus dies, comes back from the dead — and we get chocolate eggs. It’s like turn-down service from God.”
– Denis Leary

“The real reason Easter is on a different day each year is because sometimes it’s difficult to remember which lie you told.”
– Jimmy Carr

“The Easter Bunny ate all of the carrots we left for him. What a pig.”
– Steve Carell

“Every Easter, my wife hides chocolate eggs around the house. And every August, I find one behind the couch and enjoy its melty and dusty goodness.”
– Unknown

“That first Easter must have been awkward, because you know the apostles had already divided up Jesus’ stuff.”
– William Ader

“Passover and Easter are the only Jewish and Christian holidays that move in sync, like the ice skating pairs we saw during the Winter Olympics.”
– Marvin Olasky

Short and Funny Easter Quotes

“Good idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.”
– Jack Handey

“Easter is the only time when it’s perfectly safe to put all your eggs in one basket.”
– Evan Esar

“Easter has been cancelled – they found the body.”
– Jim Butcher

“All excited for Easter. The cross is up and completely decorated.”
– Albert Brooks

“Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe filled with slush.”
– Doug Larson

“Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won’t stay there.”
– Clarence W. Hall

“Easter: Hide and Seek with eggs.”
– Melanie White

“I wanted to give up my children for Lent, but nobody would take them.”
– Melanie White

“You know what I’m doing for Easter? I’m gonna be hanging with my Peeps.”
– Jay Leno

“Despite the forecast, live like it’s spring.”
– Lilly Pulitzer

“You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by the way he eats jelly beans.”
– Ronald Reagan

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams

“Those have a short Lent who owe money to be paid at Easter.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.”
– Fran Lebowitz

Hilarious Easter Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

“When you’re grown up you realize that it’s not the number of Easter eggs you find that’s important, but how many are dark chocolate.”
– Melanie White

“My mom asked me what I’m doing at Easter. I said the same as Jesus – going out Friday, coming back Monday.”
– Unknown

“I was fairly traumatized the first time my parents gave me a hollow chocolate bunny for Easter. I was 27, but still.”
– Just Bill

“They have Easter egg hunts in Philadelphia, and if the kids don’t find the eggs, they get booed.”
– Bob Uecker

“My father was so cheap. Every Easter we’d wear the same clothes, but he’d take us to a different church.”
– A.J. Jamal

“My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.”
– Amy Sedaris

“Here’s the problem with Easter. The Catholic Church needs to pick a date because it keeps moving. And I think the reason they always have Easter moving to different dates is to catch us.”
– Denis Leary

“Easter combines the best of the present with the traditions of the past – like Cadbury cream eggs with hunting and gathering.”
– Melanie White

“Easter is of course to celebrate Jesus returning from the dead. Fair enough, it is difficult to resist a packet of mini eggs, isn’t it?”
– Jimmy Carr

“Easter shopping tip: When buying your daughter that frilly new Easter dress, try to visualize how it’ll look with chocolate and grass stains all over it.”
– Melanie White

“If you believe in the Easter Bunny, it means you believe in a fat, purple bunny, which is pooping multicolor eggs in your garden.”
– Alex Antunes

“Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.”
– Fred Allen

“Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.”
– Henny Youngman

“Lent was invented so Catholics could take another shot at their New Year’s resolutions.”
– Melanie White

“Tell the chocolate bunny I’ll pass. I have enough men in my life who are hollow and disappointing.”
– Unknown

Funny Easter Quotes for Family and Friends

“A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg, even if you’re cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer

“All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!”
– Charles M. Schulz

“Forget the Easter Bunny. I need one that can do me some good — like the Energizer Bunny.”
– Melanie White

“Egg hunts are proof that your children can find things when they really want to.”
– Unknown

“Easter is a time for dressing up, looking your best, and hunting for candy. It’s Halloween in reverse!”
– Melanie White

“I’m a little hoarse tonight. I’ve been living off of Easter candy and Peeps. Sugar and yellow dye number five.”
– Stephen Colbert

“No presents for Christmas? That’s like Easter without high-stakes poker.”
– Steven Levitan

“If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don’t eat them. It’s not chocolate!”
– Unknown

“Easter may not take the cake, but it does take all the cake coloring.”
– Melanie White

“It’s Easter, and they already have the Christmas decorations up.”
– Sally (from Charlie Brown)

“After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, a young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.”
– Jim Kraus

“There’s nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.”
– Linda Grayson

Want more inspiration for Easter and spring? Then have a look at these inspirational Easter quotes, the funny spring quotes here and also this one with plenty of short Easter quotes.

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April is here with wonderful spring weather, flowers starting to bloom and maybe a setback or two in the form of snow and icy cold winds that we thought we would be past by now.

And to help you make this a happy and fun month I’d like to share 90 of the most positive, witty and funny April quotes.

Ones that’ll lighten your mood, make you and your loved ones or co-workers laugh on stressful days and make this a wonderful spring.

Hilarious Welcome April Quotes for a Happy Start to Your Month

“Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see, the world hath more fools in it than ever.”
– Charles Lamb

“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson

“April comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.”
– Edna St. Vincent Millay

“Snow in April is abominable, like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.”
– L.M. Montgomery

“April prepares her green traffic light, and the world thinks, ‘Go!’”
– Christopher Morley

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”
– George Orwell

“In the spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.”
– Mark Twain

“Although I was born in April, I’m quite certain I was not fully awake until October.”
– Peggy Toney Horton

“But it is a sort of April-weather life that we lead in this world. A little sunshine is generally the prelude to a storm.”
– William Cowper

“Oh, the lovely fickleness of an April day!”
– William Hamilton Gibson

“It’s the hottest April in living and dead memory. So hot that the crows are flying with their tongues hanging out of their heads.”
– Jess Kidd

“The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month.”
– Henry Van Dyke

“Poor, dear, silly Spring, preparing her annual surprise!”
– Wallace Stevens

“A little madness in the spring is wholesome even for the King.”
– Emily Dickinson

“It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want – oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!”
– Mark Twain

Short and Funny April Quotes That Will Make You Smile

“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”
– Mark Twain

“Today has been a day dropped out of June into April.”
– L.M. Montgomery

“April is the month where my allergies remind me that nature has a sense of humor – and I’m the recurring punchline.”
– Unknown

“Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June.”
– Al Bernstein

“Despite the forecast, live like it’s spring.”
– Lilly Pulitzer

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin

“Spring is when life’s alive in everything.”
– Christina Rossetti

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant.”
– Anne Bradstreet

“An optimist is the human personification of spring.”
– Susan J. Bissonette

“April, April, laugh thy girlish laughter; then, the moment after, weep thy girlish tears!”
– William Watson

“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.”
– Margaret Atwood

“Sweet April showers do bring May flowers.”
– Thomas Tusser

“Gardening requires lots of water – most of it in the form of perspiration.”
– Louise Erickson

“The deep roots never doubt spring will come.”
– Marty Rubin

“Nothing ever seems impossible in spring, you know.”
– L.M. Montgomery

“April is the kindest month. April gets you out of your head and out working in the garden.”
– Marty Rubin

“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.”
– William Shakespeare

“Spring cleaning sounds great until you realize you’d have to actually clean for an hour or three.”
– Jim Harper

Funny Hello April Quotes for Work

“April showers bring those lovely May flowers, but they also bring that one coworker who won’t stop babbling about their garden.”
– Sandra Shea

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.”
– Douglas Adams

“Isn’t it amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?”
– Zig Ziglar

“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.”
– Don Herold

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
– Edgar Bergen

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin

“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”
– Dave Barry

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
– Robert Frost

“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.”
– Claude McDonald

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
– Robert Frost

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry Kissinger

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”
– Bill Gates

“Spring is the time of plans turning into procrastination in the break room.”
– Unknown

Funny and Lovely April Quotes for Your Letter Board and Instagram

“Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day.”
– W. Earl Hall

“Spring won’t let me stay in this house any longer! I must get out and breathe the air deeply again.”
– Gustav Mahler

“Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.”
– George Carlin

“Spring is the only revolutionary whose revolution has succeeded.”
– Marianne van Hirtum

“Spring adds new life and new beauty to all that is.”
– Jessica Harrelson

“Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world.”
– Virgil A. Kraft

“Spring unlocks the flowers to paint the laughing soil.”
– Bishop Reginald Heber

“April is the sweetest month of the year, the mellow season of rebirth and renewal.”
– Mary Sojourner

“April is a promise that May is bound to keep.”
– Hal Borland

“Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn.”
– Lewis Grizzard

“You gotta bloom where you’re planted.”
– Dolly Parton

“Blossom by blossom the spring begins.”
– Algernon Charles Swinburne

“The first blooms of spring always make my heart sing.”
– S. Brown

“If April showers should come your way, they bring the flowers that bloom in May.”
– Buddy DeSylva

“April is a reminder that life is a beautiful, ever-renewing cycle.”
– E.E. Cummings

“Winter’s done, and April’s in the skies. Earth, look up with laughter in your eyes!”
– Charles G.D. Roberts

“People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do: I stare out the window and wait for spring.”
– Rogers Hornsby

“Spring’s greatest joy beyond a doubt is when it brings the children out.”
– Edgar Guest

Witty and Funny April Fool’s Day Quotes

“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”
– Douglas Adams

“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.”
– Mark Twain

“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.”
– Michael Scott

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.”
– Richard Feynman

“You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston Churchill

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
– Albert Einstein

“I have great faith in fools – self-confidence, my friends call it.”
– Edgar Allan Poe

“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”
– Will Rogers

“Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.”
– Plato

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”
– William Shakespeare

“Some people can’t be fooled on April Fool’s Day because they were fooled too many times during their entire lifetime.”
– Akash B Chandran

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
– Soren Kierkegaard

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.”
– Jack Handey

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton.”
– Dean Koontz

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot.”
– Jerry Lewis

Want more laughs and positive energy? Then check out these hilarious and sarcastic quotes, the funny spring quotes here and also this one with lots of funny inspirational quotes.

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It’s yearbook season and you need a quote that actually makes people laugh (not just makes your mom and best friend nod and politely smile).

So in today’s post I want to help you out with that by sharing 101 of the most unique, iconic and funny yearbook quotes.

Use one or a few of them as inspiration for your own quote or just grab the one here that makes you laugh the most.

Either way, I hope you’ll find something here to help you leave a hilarious or witty mark in your yearbook that lasts for years to come.

Funny Yearbook Quotes That’ll Leave a Mark That Lasts

“High school was easy. It was like riding a bike. Except the bike was on fire and the ground was on fire and everything was on fire because it was hell.”
– Randey Chung

“Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.”
– Alfred Adler

“Remember… The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe… Eat cake.”
– Iyanna Morgan

“I want to thank me for believing in me.”
– Snoop Dogg

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
– W.C. Fields

“I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever invented copy and paste. Thank you.”
– Stephanie Flores

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”
– Oscar Wilde

“If you like water, you already like 72% of me.”
– Alexandra Vu

“A lot of girls didn’t like me this year, but their boyfriends did.”
– Stephany Esquivel

“Cheaters never win, but I just graduated.”
– Richard Gilot

“If somebody ever asks you to do something, do it really bad, so you never have to do it again.”
– Joanna Clark

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”
– Coco Chanel

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”
– Milton Berle

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
– Ankit Jain

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
– George Carlin

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.”
– Robert Orben

“If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.”
– Daniel Jones

Short and Funny Yearbook Quotes

“My computer screen is brighter than my future.”
– Katia Perez

“Just keep swimming.”
– Dory

“The ‘s’ is silent.”
– Pareekshit Ravi

“Long story short, I survived.”
– Taylor Swift

“Kid, you’ll move mountains.”
– Dr. Seuss

“Ravioli, ravioli, give me the diplomioli.”
– Maximiliano Navarro

“When are our senior quotes due?”
– Jeffrey Goodwin

“I’ve been a Ho all my life.”
– Michelle Ho

“WE ARE NOT RELATED.”
– The Nguyens

“…was released from his four-year sentence.”
– Faizon Graham

“I cheated on all my exams.”
– Roshan McGuinness

“Feeling so good. Looking so bad.”
– Rihanna

“Why fall in love when you can fall asleep.”
– Jessica Enciso

“Education is important, but big biceps are importanter.”
– Hugh Vo

“Hannah Montana said nobody’s perfect, but here I am.”
– Alexander Gouon

“I am not Amith. I am a legend.”
– Amith M.

“I don’t always graduate, but when I do, it’s barely.”
– Hannah Goldsborough

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”
– Walt Disney

“I tried being reasonable, I didn’t like it.”
– Clint Eastwood

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
– Truman Capote

Unique, Iconic and Funny Yearbook Quotes

“Shoot for the moon; if you miss you will die in outer space, which is cool.”
– Katya Zamolodchikova

“Opinions are like mixtapes: I don’t want to hear yours.”
– Spencer Howard

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“I am that Nigerian prince that keeps emailing you.”
– Segun Akigbogun

“I got kicked out of Hogwarts for using black magic.”
– Damenian Sparks

“Of course I dress well. I didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.”
– Ian Longley

“‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ – Wayne Gretzky”
– Michael Scott (The Office)

“I was the Beyoncé in a school full of Michelles.”
– Jose Alvarez

“My senior project was to make a clone. A+”
– Unknown Twins

“To all the teachers that never thought me a thing…”
– Julia Simsuangco

“I’m actually not funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.”
– Alixandra Garcia

“I used to be a straight A student, now I’m not even straight.”
– Martin Sanchez

“Remember that true beauty comes from within — within bottles, compacts, and lipstick tubes.”
– Jeffree Star

“All my life I’ve had one dream: to achieve my many goals.”
– Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”
– Tina Fey

“Sam just stole my girl again. – Everyone”
– Samuel Teehee

“I did meet some of the most insufferable people, but they also met me.”
– Shane Madej

“I’m not a businessman; I’m a business, man.”
– Jay-Z

“I’m not saying I peaked in high school, but my attendance record definitely peaked somewhere around in freshman year.”
– Unknown

Hilarious Yearbook Quotes That Will Make Everyone Laugh

“It’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.”
– Aaron

“Goodbye everyone. I’ll remember you all in therapy.”
– Plankton (SpongeBob)

“I’ve learned to say here when the teacher hesitates while taking attendance.”
– Omotola Omotinugbon

“I don’t know, you can just put some quote in for me.”
– Connor

“See kids… I told you your mom was hot back in high school.”
– Paulyn Trinh

“You’ve been watching for the last 12 hours straight, are you okay? – Netflix”
– Kira Bergman

“100 character limit for our senior quote? That seems unfair. We refuse to be constrained by these ru.”
– Aditya Tammana

“Morgan is my girlfriend. – Nobody”
– Morgan Worley

“When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into the ground so they can let me down one last time.”
– Jenna Allen

“No, Miranda, your senior quote can’t be ‘Fries before guys.’ — Dad”
– Miranda

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know if you’re gonna graduate.”
– Franco Citlalli

“I’m sorry, did my shoulders distract you from reading this quote?”
– Victoria DiPaolo

“I knew my girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Kristy, but Kristy was laying right next to me, smh.”
– Nicholas Ke

“Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.”
– Connor Hart

“I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
– Chandler Bing (Friends)

“Don’t follow your dreams… Follow my Twitter: @nerojordan”
– Jordan Nero

“Sometimes when I’m taking a bath I like to turn off the lights and pretend I’m in the womb.”
– Aaron Portillo

“If you ain’t talking money… I don’t want to talk.”
– Michael and Steven DiBlasi

Funny Yearbook Quotes for Seniors

“If I can graduate with over 150 absences throughout high school, you can too.”
– Natalie Turk

“The only reason I went to school all this time is to distract myself from the fact that I’ll never be Beyoncé.”
– McKenzie Ward

“All three years of high school, I had my earphones on, and no one ever knew.”
– Amena Al-shugaa

“When life shuts the door, open it back up. That’s how doors work.”
– Diana Lopez

“If you’re seeing this quote in the yearbook, I got all four math credits. Trust me, that means you can too.”
– Gabriela Willis

“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Risk being seen in all of your glory.”
– Jim Carrey

“Thanks Mom and Dad! I couldn’t have done it without you!”
– Rayan Parikh

“You will regret not dating me in high school.”
– Brookelle Wesley

“My head may be big, and my eyes may be small, but my heart is just the right size.”
– Aian Nguyen

“Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.”
– Mitchell Wieland

“I am rather appalled at the limit of characters for this. I am certain that I cannot fit all my thoughts of these last 4 years into such few cha.”
– Karl Mangune

“Be careful who you call crazy. Some of us think it’s a compliment.”
– Marilynn Dawson

“Why, you no doctor, yet? – Dad”
– Daniel

“Once you grow up, you can’t come back!”
– Peter Pan

“Character is a course, finish it.”
– Mac Canoza

“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
– Will Rogers

“Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.”
– Zoey Sayward

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.”
– Dita Von Teese

“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.”
– James Dean

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”
– Dr. Seuss

“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I’m not great at senior quotes. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
– Alexis

“If we’ve laughed too hard, offended too many people – we’ve done it right.”
– Alexis Bass

Want more laughs this semester? Then have a look at these sarcastic quotes, this one with funny senior quotes and also this post with lots of funny friendship quotes.

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Tuesday is an odd day. Just before hump day and still far away from the promise of Friday.

It’s a day when it’s easy to feel stuck or tired, especially if Monday was a bit draining.

So to help you out I thought I’d share 100 of the most positive, stress relieving and funny Tuesday quotes.

I hope you’ll find something here that makes it a bit easier to get out of bed, to brighten your work day and to help you to keep moving towards the weekend.

Funny Tuesday Quotes for Work and Less Stress

“Tuesday isn’t so bad. It’s a sign that I’ve somehow survived Monday.”
– Unknown

“Thinking about happy times on a Tuesday is like going to the beach when there is no Sun.”
– Alain Bremond-Torrent

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”
– Bill Gates

“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx

“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.”
– William Faulkner

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
– John Gotti

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
– Robert Frost

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin

“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”
– Dave Barry

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.”
– Drew Carey

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
– Edgar Bergen

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome

“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.”
– Claude McDonald

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.”
– Douglas Adams

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
– Robert Frost

“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.”
– Rita Rudner

“There is something about an early Tuesday morning that makes me productive.”
– Tahnni Dupre

“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.”
– Sarah Cooper

“I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.”
– Unknown

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry Kissinger

Funny Good Morning Tuesday Quotes to Start Your Day Right

“What irritates me most of all about these morning people is their horribly good temper, as if they have been up for three hours and already conquered France.”
– Timur Vermes

“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
– Glen Cook

“I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
– Punit Ghadge

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
– Dorothy Parker

“I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.”
– Lewis Black

“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler

“I hate mornings, they start so early.”
– Janet Evanovich

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
– James Marsden

“Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth, but sadly we don’t speak bird.”
– Kurt Cobain

“Mornings are pure evil from the pits of hell, which is why I don’t do them anymore.”
– Rachel Caine

“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
– Jim Davis

“There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, ‘Good morning, God,’ and the other is to say, ‘Good God, morning!’”
– Fulton J. Sheen

“Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield.”
– Catherynne Valente

“Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can’t see a damn thing before having coffee.”
– Aleksandra Ninkovic

“I’m sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
– Frank Sinatra

“The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.”
– Jean Kerr

“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
– Terry Pratchett

“I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.”
– Jarod Kintz

“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
– Tony Smite

Hilarious Tuesday Quotes on Life and Struggles

“There is a breed of Tuesday in January in which time creeps, and no light comes, and the air is full of water and nobody really loves anybody.”
– Zadie Smith

“I’d take half an argument over half a silence any day. And I’d take peace and quiet over a full-blown argument any other day unless it’s Tuesday.”
– Will Advise

“Addiction – when you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.”
– Nikki Sixx

“Why does winter feel like one big Tuesday?”
– Todd Stocker

“There isn’t a Monday that would not cede its place to Tuesday.”
– Anton Chekhov

“The Tuesday scowls, the Wednesday growls, the Thursday curses, the Friday howls, the Saturday snores, the Sunday yawns, the Monday morns.”
– Samuel Beckett

“You can’t help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn’t spell it right; but spelling isn’t everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn’t count.”
– A. A. Milne

“The days were heavy and sticky. All identical, one the same as the other. Soon they would even get rid of their one remaining distinction, the shell of their names: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.”
– Ismail Kadaré

“It can’t be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays.”
– George Weah

“I don’t want it good. I want it Tuesday.”
– Jack L. Warner

“On Tuesday, when it hails and snows, the feeling on me grows and grows, that hardly anybody knows, if those are these or these are those.”
– A. A. Milne

“In my first 100 days, I will make Taco Tuesday the law.”
– George Lopez

“I’m not the kind of actor that would know what my character had for breakfast last Tuesday.”
– Liam Neeson

“Tuesday is neither here nor there in the hierarchy of the week.”
– Anthony T. Hincks

“If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Tuesdays!”
– Jim Harper

Short and Funny Tuesday Quotes

“After Tuesday, even the calendar goes W-T-F.”
– Unknown

“Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness.”
– Nanea Hoffman

“Tuesday: a day that rhymes with yawn.”
– Unknown

“Be happy. It really annoys negative people.”
– Ricky Gervais

“Tuesday just called and wants to know what happened to Friday!”
– Neil Leckman

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.”
– Leslie Nielsen

“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.”
– Robert Heinlein

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”
– Mark Twain

“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
– Will Rogers

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”
– Sarah Brown

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
– Henry Kissinger

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.”
– Groucho Marx

“Tuesday is the most sensible day of the week.”
– Emily P. Freeman

“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
– Marlo Thomas

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
– Oscar Wilde

“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.”
– Ted Turner

“If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.”
– Noel Coward

Less Funny and a Bit More Motivational Tuesday Quotes

“Tuesday is a good day, you survived Monday. And tomorrow is Wednesday, halfway through your work week!”
– Kate Summers

“Happy Tuesday! Decide what you want. Believe you can have it. Believe you deserve it and believe it’s possible for you.”
– Jack Canfield

“Tuesday is the affirmation that my goals are being moved another step forward.”
– Byron Pulsifer

“Hold onto positive things that elevate your spirit and be with positive people. Happy Tuesday.”
– Tracey Edmonds

“Now that your eyes are open, make the sun jealous with your burning passion to start the day. Make the sun jealous or stay in bed.”
– Malak El Halabi

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.”
– James Allen

“We concentrate so much on anniversaries and birthdays that you forget it’s the Tuesday that’s tough that really counts. Sometimes, she just needs some flowers or even just that ear. It’s the little things that count.”
– BJ the Chicago Kid

“Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.”
– Ursula Le Guin

“The first hour of the morning is the rudder of the day.”
– Henry Ward Beecher

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”
– Mark Twain

“Either you run the day or the day runs you.”
– Jim Rohn

“Tuesday is the day for action, as mighty Mars rules it. Now you can seek your passion, surge toward your goals, find your destiny, and be strong and courageous.”
– Cerridwen Greenleaf

“Tuesday nights are sushi nights, so we go out then.”
– Al Roker

“Tuesday had always been our day together. Most of my courses with Morrie were on Tuesdays, he had office hours on Tuesdays, and when I wrote my senior thesis, it was on Tuesdays that we sat together. We’re Tuesday people.”
– Mitch Albom

“Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves.”
– Dale Carnegie

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
– Maria Robinson

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.”
– Buddha

“Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”
– Napoleon Hill

“One way to keep momentum going is to have constantly greater goals.”
– Michael Korda

“You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning.”
– Billy Wilder

“Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost legendary. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Perseverance and determination alone are omnipotent.”
– Calvin Coolidge

“There will be obstacles. There will be doubters. There will be mistakes. But with hard work, there are no limits.”
– Michael Phelps

“Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.”
– Dalai Lama

“Hit the reset button. Whatever happened yesterday, forget about it. Get a new perspective. Today is a new day. Start fresh, begin now.”
– Germany Kent

Want more inspiration and laughs for the rest of your week? Then take a look at these funny Wednesday quotes, the positive Thursday quotes here and the hilarious Friday quotes in this post to get your weekend started right.

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